


The Hidden Side of Hellsing

by Azurite9925



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Angst, Drunk!Integra, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Canon, Post-London, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 16:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azurite9925/pseuds/Azurite9925
Summary: Thank you for reading :)





	The Hidden Side of Hellsing

****

No one in their right mind would call Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing weak. It wasn’t in her blood - she was a woman of rigid postures, polished words and confident smirks. Not only was she an accomplished marksman and strategist, but also the tamer of Alucard. Sure, some would suspect her of being a stone statue, almost inhuman, but no one would call Integra weak.

Yet, when the moon rose high and left her alone, when the silence became an oppressive shroud rather than a comfort, when Integra’s best effort was to stare blankly at her work - those days, her stony mask crumbled, eroded, threatened to shatter into a thousand pieces. And so, to soothe her raging thoughts, she drank.

Integra Hellsing never did anything in half measures. When she worked, she worked; when she fought, she fought; when she drank, she drank. And her loosened inhibition had almost gotten her into trouble before, apparently. Integra never fully remembered those nights, never remembered exactly what her loosened control resulted in, but from Walter’s wary glances and Alucard’s oddly concerned behavior the days after such incidents, she got the feeling that it was a good thing she didn’t remember.

Once Millennium had appeared, however, she realized that she could no longer allow herself such weakness - not to the Wild Geese, the Round Table and her enemies. And so, for those long months, she subsided on cigars, fear, and willpower, numbing her thoughts and mind so she could get her work done and stand strong.

But now, after the battle tested everyone to their limits, after the drudgery of repair, after the funerals and speeches and economic forums - now, that the Manor’s numbers have dwindled, that sleep evaded her daily, that Integra’s work has become so easy that she is left with hours to think, Integra found herself drifting through the halls of the manor like a ghost. Her reservoirs of sobriety had run low, and her demons were inordinately active. They were sick and tired of being ignored, and they clawed at her insides incessantly.

As the moon rose higher, the insomnia pushed her into delirium. She drifted through the halls with an inborn familiarity, the river of her thoughts almost drowning her.  _ Wasn’t that wall the place where Alucard first scared me by phasing through it? And isn’t that the vase Walter hated to dust? Oh I wonder what those idiots doing now… _

Eventually, Integra found herself standing in front of the cellar.

She hadn’t been there in a very long time.

Almost unconsciously, Integra turned the golden knob with her skeletal, tawny hands. She entered, making a beeline to the exact drink her soul needed, and grasped the neck of a bottle of a strong whiskey which Integra knew would poison, if not kill, her if she had all it in one night. She didn’t care, though. She made her way to her private suite and served herself a glass. Commencing the end of her sobriety with a sip, she began a long, lonely night.

Time seemed to move as slow as honey, and after a lifetime of quiet and meaningless thoughts, Integra’s hazy azure eyes rested on the endless cream of her ceiling.

Suddenly, as if a spell was broken, Integra stood, only to stumble at the sudden motion. As soon as her legs regained a semblance of stability, she staggered towards her office. She kept a hand on the wall as she moved, using it to catch herself every time her body swayed precariously. After a journey aided by Integra’s willpower and luck, she found herself sitting in her leather chair, suddenly feeling rather small. She took another sip of the whiskey, cherishing the way it made the world’s edges haze, just a little bit - this office was a little too serious reminded her a little too much of her father to be seen in perfect clarity. She stared at the work before her, dread pooling in her gut as the English on the page swayed and morphed into gibberish, such meaningless, useless, bureaucratic, gibberish.

With a single swift sweep of her hands, Integra swiped  the papers off of her table, a lopsided smile contorting her severe features as the panic in her gut eased. She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms behind her head as she rested the back of her head on her hands, satisfied. Her table did look rather lovely without work on it.  It was a proud mahogany Integra hadn’t seen blank since... forever, actually.

She paused, a thought coming to her. Forgetting that her landline phone was also an intercommunication system, Integra lowed loudly, “Waaaaaalter!” After a few Walter-less minutes, Integra frowned, feeling decidedly ignored.

A few minutes later: “Aaaaalucaaaard?” She called out, her voice uncharacteristically needy. After a moment without response, she huffed and crossed her arms. Still, when her dramatic motions yielded no Alucard, she whimpered under her breath, feeling even more ignored. People shouldn’t ignore her - she was Integra Hellsing, for the Queen’s sake!

Suddenly filled with anger, she sat up straight in her chair, eyes glaring at the door, daring Walter or Alucard to enter now, late. When she still found herself alone, she stood, frame visibly trembling. She paced across her room, her hands clenching and unclenching as her lower lip trembled, her ire steadily increasing. Finally, sick and tired and needing some sort of vent, she grabbed a book off of a shelf and threw it as hard as she could across the room, feeling a surge of satisfaction when it hit the wall with a harsh thump.    


She stared at the book, her face twitching slightly.   


The door creaked slightly in opening.   


Integra whirled to the entryway, poised to yell at Walter or Alucard, whoever  _ dared _ to enter her study over 10 minutes late, but froze. Standing at the doorway was a tepid Seras. Seras, with her immaculate blood-red uniform and sweet scarlet eyes and pretty rounded features, watched her Master’s frozen figure with unabashed concern. 

Integra wasn’t paying attention to her pet vampire, however. She was staring at the shadowy tendrils that extended from Seras’ shoulder, the replacement for an arm lost in a war that was barely a year old. Its raven form draped itself around Seras and as if it was a particularly affectionate cat. And upon fully comprehending its existence, Integra remembered the Battle of London, all of its blood, hellfire… losses.   


“Alucard… Walter…” She whispered, covering her mouth with her hand as horror and dawning realization clenched her heart with a cold and unyielding grasp. She stumbled backwards, her hip hitting the edge of her desk, as she stared at Seras’ arm, unable to tear her eyes away.    


Alucard and Walter weren’t ignoring her.    


They were dead.

“Master?” Seras, worried, immediately dashed to Integra’s side. Gently, Seras placed her hand on Integra’s shoulder, steadying the drunk woman. “Please, tell me what’s going on.” She pleaded. Seras knew that her Master was not alright - the scent of alcohol draped Integra's figure like a shawl - but she wasn’t sure why Integra was reacting so badly. Frankly, she didn’t even know that Sir Integra drank before that moment. But from her unsteady movements and glazed over eyes, Seras knew that Integra was not sober. 

As the silence saturated further, Seras noticed the paleness of Integra’s skin, the faint sheen of sweat appearing over the strong woman’s forehead. Mildly alarmed, Seras’ shadowy arm gingerly poked at Integra’s face, making the knight flinched violently.   


“Seras…” Integra whispered. “You’re alive.” The drunk woman turned towards the vampire and placed a single, trembling hand on Seras’ head. A smile worked its way across Integra’s lips, looking both genuine and awkward. Seras had never known such honest expressions existed in her Master’s mind. “Thank you for being alive, staying alive, unlike the others.”   


Seras’ throat hitched; her Master was talking about Walter and Alucard. Much like Integra, Seras had her own wounds regarding the losses in London, but she tried her best not to show them. After all, she had many duties as the head vampire and second in command of Hellsing. “Y-you’re welcome.” She stuttered, unsure how to respond to such a sentiment.   


Integra wobbled on her feet once more and scowled at her own lack of grace. Eventually, Integra managed to stand before Seras, her tall form still imposing to the stocky vampire. Without a hesitation, Integra threw her arms around the vampire's figure, pulling Seras into a bear hug. Seras' face burst into flames as warmth flooded her body, surprised at such a bold move by her normally taciturn Master.

“M-Master, please, let me escort you to bed. You should sleep.” She gently suggested. She felt more than heard Integra’s low grumbles of protest. “Come now.” Seras urged. With another grumble, Integra peeled herself away from Seras. Seras led her Master towards the master bedroom with patience, serving as her proud Master’s quiet crutch. 

Upon reaching her Master’s room, Seras stripped her Master of her outer blazer and cravat, draping them over a chair. It was a gesture of kindness - in such a state, Seras wouldn’t have trusted Integra with such delicate buttons. “Master?”

“Hmmm?” Integra hummed.

“Do you need anything else? I’ll head out soon so you can change in peace.” Seras asked, resting a gentle hand on Integra’s shoulder to get the other woman’s full attention. However, Integra frowned at the statement and clutched Seras’ arm with a vicegrip.

“You… you’re going to leave me alone?” Integra asked, her voice so low and vulnerable that Seras’ heart almost broke upon hearing it. Swallowing the lump at her throat, Seras looked at her Master with trepidation. It wasn’t proper for her to stay, she knew it. Integra was a private person; when sober, she would be furious at Seras for infringing on such a private time. It was well known that Integra took no visitors - manor resident or otherwise - when not in working clothes. Yet, seeing the deep trenches of sorrow on Integra’s too young face, the raw, vulnerable sheen of her azure wells - Seras couldn’t help but feel her resolve weaken. Even if her Master scolded her tomorrow morning… it would be worth it.

“...Would you like me to stay?” Seras quietly asked.

Integra’s features softened, making her look much younger than usual. She nodded slightly. “I… I’d appreciate it.” She murmured. Seras nodded in finality, and then stepped away from Integra’s grasp. “Where are your night robes, Master?” Seras asked. Integra was in no state to stagger around her room, searching for a garment that Seras could find in a seconds.

Integra’s cheek colored slightly, “Seras…” She began. “I sleep in my undergarments.” She admitted. Seras’ face turned positively scarlet. Integra awkwardly coughed, “I… let me undress and slip under the covers.” She suggested. Seras quickly nodded and turned around so that her Master could undress. 

A few minutes later, Seras wrinkled her brow. Her Master should have been done by now, she should have heard the sound of the bed covers shifting. All she heard was the very faint shuffle of fingers moving against fabric… for almost 10 minutes now. “Master, is there anything the matter?” Seras gingerly asked. 

Integra growled under her breath “I -” She swallowed. “I can’t unbutton my blouse.” She quietly admitted. “My fingers are too unsteady.” Seras was surprised - just how much did her Master have to drink tonight? Unbuttoning the blouse should have been easier than the blazer...

Seras grew quiet as she summoned her bravery.

“Do you want me to help you undress?”

Integra was silent.

Seras wondered if she made a mistake.

Integra continued to be silent.

...Seras knew she made a mistake.

“Yes.”

See, Integra was disgusted by her -

_ Wait what? _

Sera felt her insides flutter as she realized just what Integra had said. Seras would see her beautiful Master… bare.

“Seras?” Integra’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. 

Seras turned around and approached Integra, unable to meet her Master’s eyes. Standing before her Master, she realized just how tall Integra was. Seras was over a head shorter than Integra. Her figure was so unlike Seras’ - rather than curvy and sturdy, Integra was purposeful angles and willowy grace. And yet, her demeanor and blazer hid the fact that Integra was actually rather feminine in her beauty. Seras rested her eyes on the curve of Integra’s ochre neck, the inviting blossom of her hips, the gentle slope of her shoulders - God, her Master was nothing short of a  _ goddess. _ Seras felt her throat grow dry, her heart beat just a bit faster. She.. she couldn’t do this she -

“Seras?” The tenor of Integra’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Although her features were carefully blank, Integra’s eyes held something absolutely, intensely, unfathomable. Seras sent the woman a small smile before her fingers began at Integra’s collar.

As Seras’ fingers brushed briefly across the unblemished skin of Integra’s collarbone, Seras was startled to find just how soft the skin was. It made her want to caress the skin more, and even nuzzle against the tender skin, press kisses to the private nook just to hear her Master sigh in content. She swallowed her thoughts however, and braced herself as her fingers methodically unbuttoned each delicate button. In an agonizingly dragged out pace, Seras’ fingers revealed the golden bounty of Integra’s breasts, cupped by a plain, raven bra. She couldn’t help herself - her eyes rested on the plush mounds as her mind wondered what it would be like if she rested her face on them. As she soldiered on, her willpower tested beyond the limits of a mortal woman’s, Seras wondered if there was a God out there, taunting her with such close proximity to a Master Seras always believed was made to be seen and admired, never to be touched by mortal monsters such as she.

Integra, all the while, watched the emotions swim across Seras’ open face, with barely contained lust. As Seras stared longingly at her stripped body, Integra felt a lazy fire spread through her veins, mixing with the heady, addled, viscous river of her thoughts, heightening the buzz in the back of her head that made her body feel so damn good. She could feel the tenseness growing within Seras as her hands moved lower and lower; could feel the pure want behind the seemingly innocent brushes of Seras’ fingers across Integra’s skin. When Seras finally removed the final button, the top of her slacks, Integra exhaled slowly, letting a languid lava flow through her body. 

Daringly, impishly, drunkenly, Integra rested her hands on Seras’ collar, just the delicate structures of her neck and bones. Integra always admired the way Seras’ body was so feminine, so beautifully human, regardless of her less than subtle condition. It wasn’t the first time she found herself staring at Seras’ perpetually exposed neck, but it would be the first time she allowed herself to indulge in thoughts of kissing and sucking it. 

“Seras…” She whispered, “I hardly believe it’s fair that I’m the only one dressed down.” She commented, a smile blooming on her face as Seras’ neck colored brilliantly. The vampire was so, so very tempting. “Please… help me with this.” She requested. It was a quiet request, it was a gentle one - Seras could say no, Seras could declare it too much, Seras could leave her. But Integra had never felt so warm before, had never felt so close to another before, emotionally or physically, never wanted to be so close to another before. If Seras stepped away from her now, Integra knew that apart of her heart would separate with her. 

When Seras’ hand rested on her own, Integra’s throat constricted slightly, her eyes widening marginally. Seras’ fingers laced between her own, guiding them from button to button, slowly down Seras’ form. Her scarlet eyes never left her Master’s sapphire ones as she felt her heart surrendering to the woman before her in a submissiveness that transcended all magic and bindings. Integra eventually broke her gaze to hungrily admire Seras’ pale, moon-kissed skin.  _ She’s an angel of the night, blessing me with her presence… she’s here, she’s mine, she’s so delightfully alive … How, how is a woman who is scarred by the world just as much as I, how is she so pure? So… so…  _

“Seras.” Integra’s voice was raw, open, unfamiliar to even her own ears. “You’re  _ beautiful _ .” She said, the purity of her reverence making Seras’ breath hitch. Sapphire once again met ruby eyes, and Integra knew that she could never turn back. 

If Seras was to leave her like the others…

Integra wondered if her heart could burst at the very thought.

“Please.” Integra breathed out, “Join me.”

Seras gave her a small smile and nodded. She guided Integra to her bed, her shadowed arm raising the covers so the ochre woman could slip beneath them. Seras followed afterwards. And as the heat encased them both, Seras felt as if she was resting on the plumes of a cloud, her war-worn body overwhelmed by the sheer softness of Integra’s bed. Seras closed her eyes for a moment to steady her breathing, senses struggling to process the uncommon softness of her accommodation, the warmth and safety of it all, and most of all, the heady scent of Integra that laced it all together. She could get lost in it, get addicted to the luxury and perfection of it all.

Seras’ eyes fluttered open when a single, cold hand rested on her cheek, the thumb gently rubbing over Seras’ cheekbone. Her eyes met Integra’s. They were both facing each other, ensnaring the warmth between the boundaries of their bodies that were both close, and not close enough together.

Sensing the other’s thoughts, Integra moved closer, enough to drape an arm over Seras’ smaller figure, enough to pull the other close, to press the other to her breast, to reveal the human vulnerability of her beating heart to Seras. Integra felt her body soak in the comfort of Seras Victoria, felt the excess of soft flesh beneath her fingertips, felt the preciousness of the very moment as if it was the only thing she could feel. Her heart was full, her mind, slow, her body, yearning to be even closer to the only love that never left her. And so she succumbed, pressing Seras’ yielding body against her neck, where she could feel the trembling exhales of the others brush across her skin like feathers.

“Master…” Seras’ whisper washed over Integras body like the ocean tides. “Master, may I… touch you?” She asked. Integra smiled at the sweetness of her request.

“I am yours, Seras.” Integra exhaled. She felt the faint shiver Seras gave at her words, and the lava in her gut only grew warmer. 

Seras’ voice was tenuous, “T-thank you.”

Integra curled into the other woman, and pressed a smile against the other’s pale shoulder. She felt Seras’ arm wrap around her own waist, sighed in content when Seras’ legs tangled themselves with Integra’s. Soon, Seras began to press butterfly kisses along the outline of Integra’s neck, causing the other to gasp softly, a rush of pleasure flooding through her. “Ah, Seras…” Integra gently hissed. She pulled away, just enough so she could lean down and press a single kiss to Seras’ peach-colored lips. It was chaste, it was gentle, it was precious, but Seras felt a resolute warmth settle within her as Integra graced her with such a gesture. When she pulled away, Seras took a single breath before pressing her lips against Integra’s again, this time with a bit more love, a bit more desperation, a bit more hope between them. As the world grew quiet and hazy and slow, muffled by the warmth of love and alcohol, Integra couldn't help but feel as if everything would be okay. 

Because even if their world was crumbled, even if the morning after this night would ache just like the others, even if… even if this couldn’t last forever, they would never forget the loyalty in each other’s eyes, the warmth of the tiny universe nestled in the faint space between their two bodies, the hidden side of Hellsing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
